Reality Ridiculous: The Tall Man/Short Woman Phenomenon

Listen up.  I am about 5’9”, well above the average height of women in the United States, which is approximately 5’4”.  I have an inexplicable urge to wear stiletto heels, this disorder having emerged at the age of 6 months old – the higher the better.  As you can imagine, a pair of four inch heels will put me at about 6’1”, while a pair of six inch heels boost me to a towering 6’3”.  Now if the average height of an American male is approximately 5’9 ½”, you can imagine that I have a tough time finding a man of adequate height to complement my stature.  So why, pray tell, do I always find extremely tall men, accompanied by women who have only barely escaped elf status, by the skin of their teeth???  Not only that, but both of these parties are known to actively seek one another out!  And to add insult to injury, why is it always the pint sized males who are emboldened enough to approach me and the rest of my Amazon friends?

If I put my obvious partiality aside, this phenomenon makes sense, as the old adage states, “opposites attract.”  I believe that many men of extreme height felt somewhat awkward or embarrassed while growing up, thus finding a short woman seemed attractive to them.  It’s as if her below average stature would somehow serve to make him appear closer to normal.  I think that the same may be said for very short women.  Most of my short friends are extremely insulted by any reference to their having below average height.  I might say, “That dress looks better on you because you are short,” but somehow it translates as, “You little freak!  Go get some stilts!”  This has always left me perplexed because short women seem to have an advantage.  They NEVER have to sacrifice heels for a short date.  Generally speaking, their shoe size is always available at the stores.  They’ve never had a pair of pantyhose stop at their knee caps.  And for goodness sakes – you can hem a pair of pant legs, but have you ever tried to make them grow?!

Furthermore – super short people with extremely tall people look utterly ridiculous!  Madame, if your head stops at his waist, you leave me only one conclusion as to how you won him over.  I mean, don’t you want to dance with someone without having your face buried into his stomach?  And men, does not your neck hurt from craning over to kiss or hug your freakishly short mate? (Okay, I apologize, that last statement was simply uncalled for.)

Please excuse me if I am less than sympathetic to the plight of short women, but you must understand my exasperation.  For all of the height disadvantaged women of the world, I have only one thing to say: Know your place, shorties!  There are enough men of average height for you to acquire a virtual male harem!  Why must you seek out the paltry number of eligible tall men, sprinkled amongst the male populace?  My summation is that you are selfish little gnomes, evil trolls unconcerned with the well being of your fellow man.  Even with heels, you barely break the 5’8” barrier.  Shame on you!  And as for the men, a short woman will only make you look like a towering giant (re: CIRCUS FREAK!).  I don’t care what psychological hold ups you have from your childhood, there are a number of statuesque women that are starving out here!  No one, good sir, and I mean NO ONE, should have to choose between a man and fashionable shoes.  It’s just not right. 

So, the next time you go out looking for a mate, keep in mind this sage piece of advice:  Although everyone is the same height lying down, things are quite boring if only experienced in that manner, are they not?

                                                          Now that's just sad....