Men love to ask this question. It has always confused me. What do you mean, “Why don’t I have a man?” If I knew the answer to that, guess what? I’d probably have a man! Now of course, sometimes, we women prefer to be single. It’s always important to have that personal time for self- exploration and independence, but for the most part, humans dig companionship. We are communal creatures, and that is just the way it is.
So the last time a man asked me this question – I asked my girl, why the heck do men always ask that??? It's like going on a job interview and them asking that stupid question, “What is your biggest fault?” [I’ve always hated that question. Makes me feel like they are trying to “Freud” me out and mess with my mental.] Anyhoo - The response she gave made perfect sense: “Because, they want to know why a pretty, smart, successful woman is still single. They are thinking that you should be ‘wifed up’ by now, and they are trying to figure out your defect.” Light bulb moment!
Not to toot my own horn, but toot toot! I believe I fall under all of those categories. I am attractive (or so I’ve been told), educated, and I have a good job. My friend made perfect sense, which prompted me to explore, Well girl, why are you single? And I am not the only one; there are a lot of women experiencing the same phenomenon. I know plenty of 'round the way girls that are currently married or engaged, have kids, a home; the whole nine. Now my successful girlfriends, all of whom are attractive – they’re single as the day they were born.
In evaluating myself and evaluating others’ relationships, I have come to the conclusion that, many times, you are single simply because of you.
The Halle Berry Syndrome
I know that with the recent announcement of J-Lo’s divorce from Marc Anthony, many are wondering why these gorgeous, successful women can’t keep a man. Everyone has a friend that continually dates the cheater, or continually dates the abuser, or the unavailable guy or the bum. We women loooove to host boyfriend-bashing sessions to let our girls KNOW what a miserable scrap they are dating and how much better they could do. But really, it is not the men, it is them. If this is a recurring theme, then this is the type of man that you are choosing. Of course your relationships end in failure. There is something within you that compels you to choose that type of man.
The Chilli Syndrome
Do you just want too damn much??? He has to be 6'9, make 6 figures, be a master of the bedroom, have no kids, write poetry, cook well, clean house, have multiple degrees, jump through fire... I mean, my goodness! Not even Beyonce married a 10! She found a man who was a fit for her lifestyle, and who was not intimidated by her accomplishments. When dating, you have to be willing to compromise on what you view as the perfect mate. No one is perfect, especially not you.
The Miss Independent Syndrome
Speaking of Beyonce, I know she and the Beyoncettes started this whole "Independent Woman" movement (and Ne-Yo just can't leave it alone), but really - if you are so self reliant, don't be surprised that you are always riding dolo. It's okay to be able to handle your own, but don't make the mistake of thinking all you need in this world is your purses, shoes and credit cards. A lot of women are so busy chasing wealth and success that they don't stop to realize that the cutie in the 3 piece on the 6 train is giving them the eye. And then when they meet a man, the first thing out of their mouth is, "I don't need a man!" Like Jay said, "Get your independent ass out of here. Question?" Be successful, but in all areas of your life.
It’s important to understand what makes you tic so that you can make adjustments when necessary. I’m not saying you need to find a man, but consciously consider why you don’t have one. This article is not for the lady who wants to be single at the moment, (‘cause hey, ain’t nothin’ wrong with that, ooookaaaay), but rather, this is for the woman who wants to know why she is always taking her bff as her plus 1.
Great article! I think self evaluation is very important. It's so true that we'll "host a boyfriend-bashing party " but won't talk about WHY we stayed in the relationship for so long. We have to be honest about our own mistakes so we won't repeat them the next time around.
ReplyDeleteI love the breakdown of the different syndromes! lol I don't think every single woman falls into those catergories but we all have friends that do!
Now I see how certain of my friends are still single and I narrowly escaped falling into the Miss Independent category myself.
ReplyDeleteVery intuitive and interesting article.